As a recently single woman and approaching 50 my heart is broken. Of course it is, Lisa, you say! No no, my heart is full of hope , I’m fine; it’s modern dating that's breaking my heart!
The last time I was single, it was 1992, we met in the Uni, went to the Cinema or snogged at the pub! If that worked out, we wrote letters or phoned a landline to actually talk. No Whatsapp, no sexting and no dating apps.
It seems in order to meet someone; you need to get yourself on a range of algorithmic heavy technology dating supermarkets that are implicitly designed to make you judge. On appearance, on articulation, on photo choice etc. And not to forget, you don’t even know if these people are representing themselves truthfully. Holy crap, I have had an education in the last year.
These dating apps bother me for a couple of reasons. Firstly, as with modern crony capitalism, the system is broken, and guides you to being particularly unkind.
The humans in the equation don’t really get opportunity to show themselves, actually strike that, some people often really like to show themselves off!
What I mean is, you are basing your swipe on something so superficial without the chance for a conversation, a dialogue on mutual compatibility. The next thing that bothers me is that the system, as crony capitalism, is also designed to enable duplicity and dishonesty. Anyone can add a profile, no proof of age, no mandatory photo verification. You can pretend to be whoever you want.
I am not a software developer, I don’t care about the algorithms, but surely there has to be a way to optimise all of these apps. Online dating is like a microcosm of society, there is everyone out there, with a multitude of stories. The technology needs an upgrade to consider more kindness, more honesty, more curiosity. Less judgement could lead to a connection, that doesn’t necessarily always mean true love, but it could mean learning, a wonderful conversation or a new friend.
For the Japanese, relationships are predestined by a red string that the gods tie to the pinky fingers of those who find each other in life. Legend has it that the two people connected by this thread will have an important story, regardless of the time, place or circumstances. The red string might get tangled, contracted or stretched, as surely often happens, but it can never break.
While I recognise I cannot alone fix dating apps, (or capitalism) I can adjust my behaviour within these systems. I can remain curious, and kind, say hello to people if they take the time to reach out, consider possibilities, even if they are 10,000 miles away, because just like the Japanese, I believe that love comes in many forms and many times.
I thought I would be doing many things at 50, but single wasn’t one of them. And yet, life has a way of showing you an alternative path. This is the best path for me at this moment in time. In a world driven by profit making algorithms, I’m engaging in my professional life of advocating for others, living out professional kindness if you will, every working day despite the rise of the machines! I have no regrets, and I still believe, love can conquer all.
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